


Boy Kissers

by poorly_animated



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Gore, Cage Fights, F/F, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, First Kiss, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Meteor City | Ryuuseigai (Hunter X Hunter), Pre-Canon, Slurs, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:48:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29647416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poorly_animated/pseuds/poorly_animated
Summary: Phinks needs a girlfriend, fast, or else he’ll be labeled a homosexual and sentenced to death. So he asks Pakunoda, because, after all, he’s *not* gay, he just doesn’t know many girls.
Relationships: Feitan/Phinks (Hunter X Hunter), Machi/Pakunoda, Nobunaga Hazama/Uvogin | Ubogin, Pakunoda/Phinks (Hunter X Hunter)
Comments: 10
Kudos: 45





	Boy Kissers

**Author's Note:**

> there are some fairly fucked-up things implied and referenced in this fic, such as forcing children to fight for sport, breeding the citizens of Meteor City, and sexualized violence against gay men.

“Paku.”

“Mm?”

“Um. Go out with me.”

She chokes on her tea and looks up. “What?!”

Phinks shifts his weight awkwardly, thrusting out a stolen loaf of bread. “Go out with me,” he mumbles again, “I, uh, I like you.”

“Um...” 

“What?”

“Phinks,” Paku says slowly, “what’s going on?”

He scowls at the dirt floor. “Whaddya mean? I’m asking you out, duh.” 

“But why? Where did—“ Paku stifles a nervous giggle and waves apologetically as Phinks glares at her. “Where did this  _ come _ from?!”

“Dunno what you mean. I’m just asking you out, cause I like you,” Phinks insists. He shoves the bread closer to her face again. “So c’mon, be my girlfriend already.”

Pakunoda stares at him, her mouth slightly agape as she tries to process his words. The other blonde is bright red and sweating through his scrappy tank top, shooting nervous glances left and right as he inches towards her. “Um. Seriously,” she says carefully, “what, ah, prompted this sudden... confession?”

Phinks turns even redder and thunks down on the floor with a heavy sigh. “Ugh. Apparently I’m the only guy in cluster 6 that’s never had a girlfriend,” he mutters bashfully, “and, uh, some of the guys told Elder Ackerly that they think I might be a fag.”

“Ohhh,” Paku sighs.

“And he says I’m too old to only care about fighting, which doesn’t even make sense,” Phinks continues angrily, “and that I need to start thinking about how I’ll  _ contribute _ to the  _ gene pool, _ whatever  _ that _ fuckin’ means.”

Pakunoda cringes at the mention of the gene pool. The matrons have been parroting a similar line to the girls recently. Spring is approaching, and the city needs new meteorites. She sighs. “How old are you, anyways?”

“Dunno. Elder Ackerly says I’m prolly eighteen by now,” Phinks grunts.

“Mm. Did you know I’m already twenty?”

“Huh? Why aren’t you married?”

Paku laughs brightly. “I don’t want to be. I’m thinking I might try to join the convent so I can avoid it a bit longer!”

Phinks frowns. “But you’re so nice, don’t guys ask you out all the time?”

“Aww. Yes, and I turn them down,” Paku giggles.

“Oh. Does—does that mean it’s a no?”

Paku laughs and shakes her head. “It sounds like you might need a little help, honey. Why’d you pick me, anyways?”

“I don’t really know that many girls,” Phinks mumbles. He grins bashfully. “And I thought Machi might stab me if I asked her.”

“Oh, she definitely would,” Paku laughs. She reaches over and takes the loaf of bread from Phinks, surprised to find it’s still slightly warm. “Wow! How’d you get this?”

“Whaddya mean? I stole it,” Phinks grunts. He looks over his shoulder and leans a bit closer. “So, are you my girlfriend now?”

Paku rolls her eyes. “I’ll  _ pretend _ to be your girlfriend, how about that? Just until we can get you off the hook with the others.”

“Oh.” Phinks sits back and frowns. “Well, why won’t you date me for real?”

“Because neither of us actually want that, dear,” Paku says softly.

Phinks, who had finally stopped blushing, turns a violent shade of pink. “Dunno what you mean,” he mutters, “I—I already said I like you.”

“As a friend, sure,” Paku giggles.

“M-more than a friend, too,” Phinks stammers. He glances over his shoulder and jerks forwards, slamming his mouth blindly into his friend’s shocked expression. He pulls back and nods curtly. “There. See? I wanted to kiss you.”

Pakunoda covers her mouth in an attempt to stop herself from laughing. It bursts out anyways. She rolls to the floor in a fit of hysterics, wheezing vaguely as Phinks balls his fists.

“STOP LAUGHING AT ME!”

“Phinks, oh my GOD,” Paku cackles, “no wonder they think—“

“SHUT UP,” he shrieks. He leaps up and jabs a shaky finger at the girl. “SHUT—SHUT UP, PAKU, I LIKE GIRLS! I LIKE YOU, YOU—YOU BITCH!”

Paku’s mouth falls open in offended shock.

“I’M SORRY I’M SORRY YOU’RE NOT A BITCH,” Phinks yelps.

“I—oh my goodness,” Paku snorts. She wipes a tear from her eyes and grins up at the lanky blonde. “Okay, how long do we need to do this?”

Phinks crosses his arms with a confused huff. “Do what? I still don’t get—“

“Pretend to be dating, dummy,” Paku laughs. She rolls her eyes as the boy opens his mouth to protest. “And  _ yes, _ it’s pretending, Phinks. You wanna know a secret?”

“Um... okay,” Phinks mumbles. He sits down again and scoots closer to his friend’s beckoning finger. She leans in and he tenses up, hyper aware of the soft smell of her shampoo.

“I don’t really like boys,” Paku whispers, “I’d rather kiss a girl.”

Phinks recoils in shock. “What?! Gross, Paku, that’s—that’s not—“

“I don’t care if it’s not allowed,” Pakunoda giggles, “and why should you? Stealing isn’t allowed, either, you know!”

“It’s—that’s totally different,” Phinks scoffs. He glances out the open doorway again and frowns. “Stealing isn’t, like... girls can’t kiss each other,” he snaps, “it’s  _ wrong, _ Paku, it’s, it’s not—the, the universe works in  _ pairs, _ see, a man and a woman, and they make babies, for, for the city, so we can—“

“Pffft, all of that is stupid,” Paku declares happily. She giggles at her friend’s horrified expression. “There are more than enough babies here already. You should know that better than anyone, shouldn’t you?”

Phinks flushes and glares at the floor again. He shuffles his feet awkwardly. “I guess,” he grumbles, “yeah, I mean... not like anyone cared to keep me, or whatever.”

“Precisely,” Paku says softly. She reaches over and gently squeezes Phinks’ hand. “What happened when the Elder heard you haven’t had a girlfriend yet?”

Phinks clears his throat a few times before answering. “I, um...” He squeezes Paku’s soft hand tightly and shuts his eyes. “Doesn’t matter. Cause I have a girlfriend now, so, yeah. Not—not a fuckin’ fag,” he grunts.

Pakunoda nods sadly and wraps her arms around the boy’s ropy muscles. She rests her chin on his shoulder and gives him a chaste kiss on the cheek. “Phinks,” she whispers, “if nobody cared, who would you  _ want _ to kiss?”

“That’s—that’s not important,” Phinks mumbles nervously. He jerks his head to the side and screws his face up and butts his head into Paku’s again, frowning anxiously as his puckered lips meet her smile. “I mean, uh. You. Duh.”

“Alright, alright,” Paku sighs. She pulls back and grins at him. “Please warn me if you’re going to do that again, dear, you’re kind of smashing my nose.”

“Oh. Sorry,” Phinks grunts bashfully. He scratches the back of his head and clumsily shoves to his feet. “I have a fight tonight. Can you—“

“Of course! I’ll cheer you on,” Paku laughs. “It’s after the ten bell, right?”

“Right,” Phinks grunts. He hugs himself awkwardly and grins at her. “I—thanks, Paku,” he says excitedly, “god, this—this is really great of you. It’s okay that you don’t really like me, y’know, I just—“

“Phinks?”

“What?”

Paku giggles. “You’re so weird. I’ll see you later.”

Phinks blushes and nods furiously. “Right. Okay, uh—right. Got it.”

—————————

The tenth night bell chimes and Pakunoda glances up from her mending, looking around for the head matron. She catches her eye and waves her over. “I’m so sorry, Sister Kesen,” she whispers, “but—one of the fighting boys asked me if I could—“

“Oh, how  _ wonderful,” _ the matron croons through her gas mask. She claps her hands together and pulls Paku to her feet, quickly dragging her towards the door. “You’ll need to change, of course, go put on the white dress—or perhaps the pink is more appropriate—oh, my  _ darling, _ I’m so  _ delighted _ for you,” she gushes, “is he handsome? Is he strong? Do you think he’ll win?”

Pakunoda giggles nervously, hoping the matron will chalk it up to ditziness. “Oh, he’s  _ very _ strong,” she titters, “I’m sure he’ll be just fine.”

“Especially with such a  _ pretty _ little thing cheering him on,” the matron hums happily. She shoves Paku into the elevator and squeezes her hands. “Oh, I just can’t wait, my dear, I’m sure you’ll have the most  _ darling _ little meteorites!”

“Yep, definitely,” Paku nods, trying not to look disgusted. The elevator shuts and she slumps against the wall with a heavy sigh. “We’ve  _ gotta _ get out of here,” she whispers to herself, “I can’t keep living like this.” 

The girl’s dormitory is empty, all the students either finishing their nightly chores or off on similar adventures with approved boys. Pakunoda changes out of her work clothes quickly and tugs on the pale pink dress she made for that year’s eclipse ceremony. Some of the lace has torn away at the hem. She sighs and wraps a thin cloak around her shoulders. It feels remarkably silly to worry about what  _ Phinks _ might think of her appearance. The kid probably forgot she was even a girl until he needed to find one to date. Paku races down the back staircase and bursts into the chilly desert night, rushing through the dark streets towards the fighting pits. She just hopes she hasn’t missed seeing her “boyfriend” fight. 

—————————

Phinks scans the crowd for the hundredth time, bouncing his legs nervously as he clutches the edge of the bench. “C’mon, c’mon,” he hisses under his breath, “I need this, Paku, c’mon!” The boy next to him digs a sharp elbow into his side and he jumps. “Hey!”

“Stop fuckin’ shaking the bench, Fagcub,” the other boy sneers.

“Yeah, Fagcub, cool it,” another boy teases, “stop getting so excited, dude, it’s just a bunch of guys touching each other.”

Phinks flushes an angry red as the boys high-five. “Fuck you guys! I’m waiting for my girlfriend,” he snaps.

“Oooooh, Fagcub’s got a  _ giiirlfriiieend,” _ one of the boys laughs loudly. Phinks scowls up at him as the others erupt in a chorus of lewd noises. “She got a dick, Fagcub?”

“Fuck off, pussy, she’s a real girl,” Phinks snarls.

“Yeah, right!”

“Yo, Coach, the boy kisser says he’s got a girlfriend,” one of the boys shouts.

Phinks shrinks back against the wall as the enormous elder turns to glare at the rowdy teenagers. His huge muscles bulge under his tracksuit as he crosses his arms. “What’s all this noise, Phinks?”

“I, uh, I’m just tryna see if my girlfriend came to the fight,” Phinks mumbles at the ground.

“Look at me when you speak, boy,” the elder thunders.

“Yessir,” Phinks squeaks. He clears his throat and forces his eyes up. “I, I’ve got a g-girlfriend now, like you said I should,” he stammers, “and she’s, um, she’s supposed to come see me fight.”

Elder Ackerly grins, showing a mess of chipped teeth and a sharp gold canine. “Ah, excellent! I’m glad to hear it, son,” he says proudly. He puffs out his chest and turns his ominous glare to the snickering line of boys. “You assholes should be happy, huh? No more worrying that there’s a fag in the dorms, right?”

“Yes, sir,” the boys respond obediently. The crowd cheers loudly and Phinks jumps. An air horn blasts. Elder Ackerly gives him that creepy grin again.

“Sounds like you’re up, Magcub,” he announces, “let’s just hope the girl’s here to see it, eh? Might help convince her you’re worth keeping.” 

Phinks nods nervously and stands up, tying his black cluster 6 bandana tightly around his head. “Yessir, I hope so, sir,” he stammers, “she’s, uh, she said she’d kiss me again if I win.”

“OOOOOOOOH!”

“Again, huh? That’s what I like to hear, boy,” Elder Ackerly guffaws. He slaps Phinks on the back and shoves him towards the ring, ignoring the medics pushing past them with a stretcher. “Let’s see you  _ really _ win, huh?” 

“Oh, um—you mean—“

“I do,” the elder says firmly.

Phinks nods again and stumbles up the short stairs on wobbly knees, suddenly overwhelmed by the situation. He was ready to fight, of course—he’s  _ always _ ready to fight, really—but a  _ real _ win means he’ll have to kill the guy instead of just knocking him out. He clenches his jaw and hops into the ring with a loud roar. The crowd goes wild. Phinks grins and flexes his muscles, waving at the stands as he swaggers around the springy podium. A familiar voice catches his ear and he whips around.

“PHINKS! GOOO PHINKS,” Paku yells from the sidelines. She hops up and down as her friend spots her, waving to him excitedly. Phinks’ relief is palpable across the room. He waves back, grinning broadly, and she blows him a kiss. “THAT’S MY BOYFRIEND,” she shouts happily.

“HELL YEAH,” Phinks shouts back. He glances over his shoulder at the coach and receives a thumbs up, a gesture so unexpected he nearly trips over his feet.  _ It’s working, _ he thinks,  _ oh my god, it’s really working!  _ The mat bounces slightly and he turns around. Phinks swallows his excitement. His opponent is nearly seven feet tall, clearly  _ much _ older than Phinks, and so thick with muscle he didn’t even bother with a shirt. He snorts like a bull and staggers up to the referee.

“I’m fighting a fuckin’ kid? Are you kidding me?” The giant laughs and turns to the crowd, placing his hands on his hips. “Y’ALL THINK I SHOULD LET HIM LIVE?”

“HELL NO,” a few people scream.

“KILL HIM!”

Phinks scowls. He storms up to the center of the ring and thrusts his hand out. “May the best man win,” he spits. 

“Kid,” his opponent chuckles, “there’s only one man in this ring, and it’s definitely not you.” He cracks his knuckles and assumes a fighting stance. “Let’s get this over with. I’ll try to give you a quick death, alright?”

“Hmmph,” Phinks snorts. He readies his fists and spreads his legs a bit wider, trying to look like he’ll open with a punch. The referee’s hand flies up. He tenses. The whistle blows and the hand chops in front of them and Phinks darts across the mat, dodging to the right at the very last second as the giant starts to move. Phinks leaps into the air and drives his fist directly into the back of the man’s thick neck. He curses under his breath as his feet hit the mat again. The giant stumbles, but he also  _ laughs, _ quickly turning around to face Phinks.

“Not bad,” he chuckles, “almost like a really big mosquito!”

“Fuck you,” Phinks snaps. He ducks a lazy swing and grabs the man’s wrist, squeezing it as tightly as he can while his legs fly up to deliver a kick to his laughing jaw. He feels a slight crack under his hand and the giant grunts. Phinks jumps back again, racing around the ring. He trips into the elastic edges and bounces back. A huge fist connects with his face and he flies across the ring, slamming against a corner pole with a loud grunt. His vision spins.

“PHINKS,” Paku screams. She covers her mouth with both hands and trembles nervously. The boy jumps back to his feet, spitting blood on the floor. Paku wraps her arms around herself and tries to hold back another shriek as the giant lunges across the mat. “Oh, god,” she gasps to herself.

Phinks gulps down a breath and rolls between the giant’s legs, kicking up just in time to crush his foot into the taller man’s crotch. He springs to his feet and winds his arm as quickly as he can while his opponent groans in shock. “Fuck you,” he snarls again, roaring a wordless shout as he leaps after the giant to slam his enhanced fist into the man’s spine. The giant grunts painfully over the sound of bones cracking. Phinks hammers both of his fists into the same spot rapidly, hitting him as many times as he can before he has to jump out of reach of his swinging fist. He crouches against the side of the mat, panting heavily. 

“Little punk,” the man growls. He lurches after Phinks again, grinning as he jerks in the same direction the blonde is dodging. His huge fist connects with Phinks’ wide eyes and sends him flying. “Fucker!”

“Ow,” Phinks yelps as he hits the floor. He rolls to his stomach and pushes up, wiping the blood from his nose. One of his eyes is swelling up. He can see Paku in the stands behind the giant, just a blurry pink streak with anxiously clenched hands. He groans as he finds his feet again. “This  _ would _ fuckin’ happen today,” he mutters to himself. 

Paku shrieks as Phinks charges the giant again, hopping nervously as the boy leaps from the floor and smashes his fist into the huge man’s face. She’s never seen one of these fights before. The matrons don’t allow the girls to visit unless they’re there for a boy, and she’d never been interested in sneaking in like some of the other girls her age. She hugs herself tighter and prays quietly. The woman next to her gives her a strange look. 

“Honey, this your first fight?”

“Um—yes,” Paku breathes. She flinches as Phinks is kicked across the mat again. “Oh, god.”

“Yeah, it’s fun, huh? They must be punishing this one, they don’t usually put the boys up against the real men,” the woman snickers. She waves her fists excitedly as the giant storms towards Phinks. “GET ‘IM! C’MON, LET’S SEE SOME BLOOD!”

“Why—why would they punish him? Eep,” Paku squeaks. She jumps slightly as Phinks dodges another punch, gasping in relief as the blonde lands a few more hits of his own.

The woman shrugs. “Too many of the little bastards, probably. Or he didn’t make his bed. Who knows? Ackerly’s got a real mean streak. You said he was your boyfriend?”

“I—yes,” Paku whispers nervously. Phinks roars below and her eyes go wide as she watches him snatch the giant’s arm and flip him over, barely believing what she’s seeing. “Oh my god, did he just—“

“HELL YEAH,” the woman screams. She gives Paku a broken-toothed grin. “Damn, lucky girl,” she chuckles, “looks like he might survive after all!”

Paku just nods. She feels sick to her stomach. The giant catches Phinks’ left arm and she screams as he breaks it, clutching the woman next to her with a sharp sob. Phinks wails a curse and staggers backwards. “Oh, god, oh god,” Paku whimpers.

“Jesus, what a baby,” the woman scoffs. She jeers loudly as Phinks clings to his broken arm. “GET OVER IT, YOU LITTLE FAGGOT, IT CAN’T BE THAT BAD!”

Phinks sniffles awkwardly and tightens his jaw, trying to figure out what he can do now that he only has one arm. Some of the other boys have jumped up to watch. A few even look worried, which is terrifying. He grits his teeth and screams angrily. “FUCK YOU! I’LL KILL YOU!”

“C’mon, cupcake, I wanna see you try,” his opponent laughs. 

“Focus, Magcub,” Elder Ackerly barks from the sidelines.

Phinks grunts vaguely and balls up his remaining fist. The giant might be huge, but he’s also bleeding in a few places, and whatever Phinks did to his back seems to have worked: he can’t seem to stand up straight anymore. Phinks watches him stalk towards him carefully. A plan bubbles in his mind as he notes a jagged step, a slight flinch, a limpness in the giant’s dominant wrist. He grins and swipes at his bloody nose again. Uvo showed him a new move the other day. This is the perfect time to try it out. 

“Alright, baby, ready to die?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Phinks chuckles. He sprints circles around the lumbering man and leaps into the air as he sways, thrusting his stiff hand out as hard as he can. It punctures the side of the giant’s neck with a horrible squelch. Phinks gags in the split second of his hand piercing the other man’s skin but keeps his arm moving, squeezing his eyes shut against the wet warmth spilling over his skin and the gargled scream in his ears and the soft tissues tearing around his pointed fist. His arm breaks through more skin into air again and his chest slams into the giant’s shoulders. Blood spurts into his screwed-up eyes. Phinks realizes he’s been yelling as the blood sprays into his mouth and the air is knocked out of his chest and the giant collapses onto the mat, bringing a shocked Phinks down with him as he gurgles. The crowd is screaming. Phinks rips his arm out of the man’s neck and scrambles backwards. Red pools onto the mat as the giant’s body shudders and groans. “Holy fuck,” Phinks gasps.

“THAT’S WHAT I WANNA SEEEEE,” the old woman shrieks.

“Oh my god,” Pakunoda whispers. She clutches her stomach and sits down heavily, rocking slightly. “Oh, my god,” she says again, “oh god, oh, dear god.”

Phinks clumsily pushes himself up, crying out in pain as he accidentally puts weight on his broken arm. He forces himself to his feet anyways. The referee peers over his shoulder and chuckles darkly. 

“Looks like we have a winner,” the referee shouts.

“Yay,” Phinks says weakly. He turns to the crowd and does his best to smile, waving his good arm awkwardly as the spectators cheer. He sees Paku sitting down and swallows hard. The boys and his coach are screaming his name. He flexes his arm and blows Paku an exaggerated kiss, hoping she’ll still go along with the plan after seeing what she just saw. That was  _ way _ grosser than the last time he killed his opponent.

“YAY, PHINKS,” Paku shouts quickly. She hops up and tries to look excited. She’s not sure why she’s so unsettled—she knew the fights were brutal, knew they often ended in violent deaths, but there’s something  _ very _ different about actually seeing one, especially when she  _ cares _ who wins. She waves her arms rapidly and stumbles towards the stairs. “Um, thank you,” she squeaks at the old woman.

“Those’ll be some beautiful blonde babies,” the woman purrs, “nice and strong, too. Good pick, dearie.”

“Uh-huh,” Paku nods nervously. She rushes down to the pit and leans up against the fence separating the audience from the action. “PHINKS!”

“Hey, Paku,” Phinks calls as nonchalantly as he can. A few of the boys whistle loudly and he grins lewdly at them, clutching his injured arm tightly as he staggers over to his friend. “You gotta kiss me,” he whispers desperately.

“Obviously,” she hisses back. She grabs both sides of his head and yanks him into an awkward kiss, trying to ignore the way his head jerks back in shock. She tugs him closer insistently. He leans into it and she parts her lips slightly, hoping Phinks will get the hint. He clumsily shoves his tongue into her mouth and she does her best to keep from recoiling. “MMPH!”

Phinks jumps back, looking slightly distressed. “Sorry,” he hisses.

“It’s fine,” Paku gasps.

“Just thought—“

“It’s fine, you idiot, it was the right idea,” Paku whispers. She flings her arms around him and hugs him tightly. “I  _ really _ hated watching that,” she mumbles thickly.

“I’m sorry,” Phinks murmurs. He puts his good arm around her shoulders as best he can and squeezes gently. “Thanks, Paku, I owe you one,” he whispers as he kisses her hair. 

Paku sighs and pulls back, tenderly touching his cheek. “Do—“

“Ooooh, so Fagcub  _ does _ have a girlfriend,” one of the boys jeers. Phinks’ face flushes bright red as the other crowd around him and he cringes apologetically at Pakunoda. 

“Yup, sure do,” Phinks squeaks.

“Hi, boys,” Paku says flirtatiously. She winks at them and leans her elbows on the fence, giving Phinks a dreamy smile. “Do I  _ really _ have to let you go back with them, tiger? I was hoping we could spend a little time together,” she purrs.

“Ooooooooo,” the boys tease.

A heavy hand slaps down on Phinks’ shoulder before he can reply. He glances up at Elder Ackerly nervously. The old man leers down at Pakunoda. “What’s your name, sweetheart?”

“I’m Pakunoda, I study under Sister Kesen,” she says obediently.

“Oh, good stock, then,” the elder chuckles. He pats Phinks on the back with a cheerful laugh, ignoring the boy’s whimper of pain when he knocks his injured arm around. “I suppose Phinksy here could be allowed out past curfew for the night, seeing as he’s given me a real win for once,” he drawls.

“Thank you, sir,” Phinks mumbles.

“Wow, really? Oh, you’re so kind, Mr. Ackerly,” Paku gushes. She pushes up on her toes and boldly kisses the elder’s cheek. “Mwah! I appreciate it  _ sooo _ much,” she titters.

Phinks’ mouth falls open in shock but the elder just laughs louder. “Alright, sweetheart, just get him back in one piece. I’ll talk to your matrons in the morning about the proper courtship, deal?”

“Deal,” Paku says sweetly. She blows a kiss to the crowd of boys and drifts off, dissolving into nervous giggles as soon as she makes it out of the building. “Oh, god,” she laughs to herself, “oh, what have we gotten ourselves into?”

Phinks stumbles into the dark street and trips towards Paku. “Fuck, my arm hurts,” he whines, “you think Machi’s good enough to fix it yet?”

“Oh, definitely,” Paku giggles. She pulls her friend into a quick hug, carefully avoiding his arms. “Oh, Phinks,” she sighs, “how long are we keeping this up?”

“Fuck if I know, might hafta be a while,” Phinks grunts. He shrugs her off and digs around in the pockets of his jacket until he finds a loose cigarette. “Ah, shit, I don’t have a lighter,” he groans.

Pakunoda rolls her eyes. “I know someone who will. Let’s go.”

The pair of blondes rush through the crowded streets until they reach an abandoned alley, ducking behind a crumbling stall to squeeze between the buildings. Phinks shouts a string of curses as he twists his arm and Paku smothers his mouth. “Phinks!”

“Sorry, fuck,” he hisses, “it  _ really _ hurts, Paku, like,  _ really _ bad!”

Paku frowns sadly and squeezes his good shoulder. “I’m sorry. You’ll be fine, though,” she whispers. 

“Can we tell everyone we’re dating?”

“We’re not dating,” Paku laughs. She rolls her eyes as Phinks’ expression falls. “Seriously?!”

“What?! We might as well be,” Phinks grumbles. He shoves himself to his feet and storms towards the hideout. “We’re gonna have to keep pretending, y’know, we’ll probably just have to do the ceremony and all, and then we can drop it,” he calls over his shoulder.

Paku lets out an exasperated sigh and scrambles after him. “No  _ way, _ Phinks, I’m  _ not _ getting married to you,” she hisses. “I don’t care if it ruins our lives, I’m  _ not _ keeping the lie up that long!”

Phinks stops in front of the battered storm cellar and glares at her. “Why not?! How is it better to marry someone else, or to be a lonely-ass nun for the rest of your life?”

“Those are  _ not _ my only options,” Paku snaps.

“Yes, they are,” Phinks says angrily, “just like  _ my _ only options are get a girlfriend or get myself fucking killed, alright?!” 

Paku blinks. “But you won your fight!”

“That doesn’t mean shit!” Phinks turns and punches the wall with his good hand, growling in frustration as the bricks crunch under his fist. “They  _ kill _ the fags, Paku, and not even in the fights, they just fuckin’  _ kill _ them, burn ‘em or hang ‘em or, or, whatever they think’ll be the most fun, and it’s not even like they’d  _ believe _ I’m  _ not _ a fuckin’ faggot, which I’m NOT, cause they all think that if I don’t care about girls then there’s no point keeping me alive! Fuck! It’s like the  _ horses,  _ Paku, the fast ones gotta breed!”

“Oh,” Paku says quietly. She shakes her head sadly and stares down at the storm cellar. “What did they tell you, Phinks?”

He looks back at her and she flinches, caught off guard by the fear and rage in his swollen eyes. Phinks hugs his injured arm closer to his body and swallows hard. “I’m the only one who’s never had a girlfriend,” he whispers, “so old man Ackerly said if I don’t get serious about making new meteorites, he’ll tell the council he caught me trying to seduce one of the others.” 

“Phinks,” Paku says sadly. 

“Don’t fuckin’ look at me like that,” Phinks snarls. He grabs the door to the storm cellar and flings it open. “Fuck! I don’t wanna fuckin’ die here,” he screams into the basement.

A few heads pop into view at the bottom of the rickety staircase. Chrollo frowns as Feitan waves excitedly. “Phinks? Paku? We weren’t expecting you,” the specialist calls up.

“Hey,” Phinks grunts. He clambers down a few steps and then looks up at Paku. “Well?”

“We don’t have to lie with the spiders,” Pakunoda murmurs, “we’ll find another way.” 

“Whatever,” Phinks mutters. He gallops down the stairs and shoves past his friends into the hideout, collapsing on a sagging couch near the back wall. Machi glances up at him from the floor. 

“Um, hello,” she says slowly.

“Help, please,” Phinks mumbles. He gestures at his swollen, twisted arm and sinks back against the ratty cushions. “And, uh, hi.”

Feitan hops onto the couch next to Phinks and lifts his other arm, gazing hungrily at the thick streaks of drying blood. “You win fight?”

“Yup,” Phinks grunts.

“It was pretty terrifying,” Paku cuts in. She plops next to Machi and takes a swig from her bottle of wine. The liquid is warm and sour. She makes a face and takes another gulp. “Guy was almost as big as Uvo.”

Phinks shrugs nonchalantly as Feitan’s grin widens. “Wasn’t that big of a deal,” he mumbles shyly. He tears his eyes away from the smaller boy and looks pleadingly at Machi. “Machi? Are you gonna help me or not? This hurts like a bitch,” he whines.

“Yeah, yeah,” she laughs. She sits next to him and gingerly feels the injured limb, shaking her head slightly. “You’re lucky it didn’t break the skin,” she says as she pulls a thread out. 

Phinks flinches and grabs Feitan’s hand as Machi starts sewing. He snatches his arm back as soon as he realizes what he’s done. “W-Whatever,” he stammers, “it—it’s whatever.”

“Pakunoda,” Chrollo says thoughtfully, “I thought you weren’t supposed to visit the fights?”

Paku laughs brightly and takes another sip of the wine. “It’s allowed if you’re cheering on your boyfriend,” she giggles. 

Everyone freezes. Machi yanks Phinks’ arm hard enough to make him shriek. “Excuse me,” she says coldly, “what did you just say?”

“Paku’s my girlfriend,” Phinks announces nervously, “um, we’re, yeah, we’re dating now.”

“Weird,” Feitan scoffs. He slides off the couch and drifts across the room, swiping a beer from the case between Nobunaga and Uvogin. “Liar.”

“I’m not lying! We kissed like, three times,” Phinks protests. Machi stabs a needle into his arm and he yelps. “OW! What the hell, Machi!”

“That’s rather unexpected,” Chrollo says awkwardly.

“Pretty unbelievable if you ask me,” Nobu yawns from the corner. He takes the bong back from Uvo and inhales a huge rip, coughing as he exhales. “You okay, Paku? Someone drug you or something?”

“Hey,” Phinks whines.

“No, nothing like that,” Paku giggles. She leans back on her hands and grins at their friends. “Phinksy here got in some trouble for not having a girlfriend yet,” she teases.

Uvo’s eyes go wide. “Oh, shit,” he says slowly.

“Fuck, dude,” Nobu rasps, “you okay?”

Phinks flushes bright pink and glares at the floor. “I’m fuckin’ fine, god,” he snaps, “cause I have a girlfriend now, assholes.”

“Confused,” Feitan announces. He sways across the room and pokes Phinks’ red cheek. “Why need girl? Why ask Paku, Phinks?”

“Yeah, Phinks,” Machi says meanly, “why Paku? She doesn’t really seem like your  _ type.” _ Her hands blur as she shoves his bone back into place and he whimpers. “Well?”

“Dunno what that means,” Phinks growls through his teeth.

“I think she means that none of us particularly expected you to be interested in the company of women, Phinks,” Chrollo laughs. He squeaks as Phinks chucks Feitan’s beer at him. “Hey!”

“Hey,” Feitan protests.

“Fuck you guys,” Phinks snarls. He wrenches his half-fixed arm away from Machi and glowers at Pakunoda. “I’m not a fuckin’ fag, right, Paku?” 

Pakunoda swallows a giggle and nods solemnly. “He  _ did _ shove his tongue in my mouth,” she titters.

“Weird,” Feitan snaps again. He grabs another beer from Nobu’s stash and chugs it quickly. “Good, then,” he mutters, “very nice, pretty blonde babies, hooray!”

“Ewww,” Machi groans. She tugs Phinks’ broken arm back into her lap and starts working again. “Jeez, Phinks, I didn’t realize you were gonna be such a freak about this,” she sighs.

“About what?!”

“Being gay, you idiot,” Paku laughs. She covers her mouth and raises her eyebrows apologetically. “I—sorry,” she giggles, “um, you’re  _ very _ into girls, Phinks.”

Phinks turns a horrid shade of red and clenches his good fist. “I don’t know what the hell you guys are talking about,” he snarls.

“Phinksy, you think anyone in this room is gonna have a baby?” Nobu laughs loudly and takes another bong rip as the blonde glares at him. “Seriously, dude,” he coughs, “the whole idea is to get the fuck outta here.”

“Yeah,” Uvo chuckles. He pulls Nobunaga into his arms and rests his chin on his head, grinning at Phinks. “You tellin’ me you didn’t notice?”

“Well, okay,” Phinks sputters, “I kinda knew  _ you _ two were fags, but—but the rest of you, too?”

Chrollo shrugs. “None of that really matters,” he muses, “we’re bandits, not lovers.”

“What is fag?”

Phinks flushes even redder as Feitan tilts towards him, feeling a bit dizzy at the sound of the word in his friend’s raspy accent. “Um,” he gulps.

“Boy kisser,” Machi says in a bored voice. She snips a thread and pats Phinks’ arm. “Should be good. Go easy on it for a few days, though,” she yawns.

“Boy kiss? I no understand,” Feitan mumbles. His thin brows twist into a confused frown and he flops down next to Phinks again. “Is same as fag? Why is bad?”

“Cause boys are supposed to kiss girls,” Phinks squeaks nervously, “and girls are supposed to kiss boys. And make babies. Yeah.”

Feitan nods thoughtfully and pulls his knees to his chest. “So kiss is word for makes babies?”

“Oh, dear,” Chrollo laughs. He spins drunkenly and collapses across the floor. “I’m too tired for this,” he giggles, “but Phinks, if you need to hide out down here for a few days, you know you’re always welcome!”

“I don’t—why would—fuck,” Phinks stammers. He shoots Nobu a pleading look and receives a playful wink. “Why would I need to stay here?”

“Cause it sounds like Paku’s done kissing you, and we all know what Ackerly will do with a fag,” Uvo rumbles. He tosses Phinks a beer and hugs Nobu tighter. “Besides, it’s high time you got outta that place,” he adds.

Phinks’ hands shake slightly as he cracks the beer open. He can feel Feitan humming absentmindedly next to him. He gulps down a few mouthfuls of beer and burps loudly. “I can’t just  _ leave,  _ Uvo,” he protests, “the guy will kill me when he finds me!”

“That’s why you’ll stay here, silly,” Paku sighs. She rolls onto her stomach and smiles up at Machi. “I’ve gotta stay a few more days, unfortunately, but once I get that stupid book I’ll be moving in here,” she says happily.

Machi giggles and slides back to the floor, knocking back some of the wine. Feitan cocks his head. “Machi and Paku fags?”

“No, we’re what they call dykes,” Machi laughs. She pokes Phinks in the knee and winks at him. “Fag is for boys, Feitan. You like boys?”

“I no like anyone,” Feitan snickers. Phinks blinks in confusion as what looks like blush crawls across his friend’s cheeks. “Well, I like spider,” Feitan mumbles shyly.

“Awwww, he likes us,” Paku gushes. Her smile melts emotionally and she hugs her elbows. “You mean that, Feitan?”

“Little bit,” Feitan mutters. He shakes his head angrily and hops off the couch, scampering over to steal Nobu’s bong. “Not much. All gross boy kissers,” he snickers.

Chrollo giggles and closes his eyes. “I guess so, huh?”

“I’m  _ not _ a fucking faggot,” Phinks snaps. “Paku, what the hell?! You  _ just _ told the old man he could make courting arrangements for us!”

“Yes, dear, I was lying,” Paku laughs.

“Why?! What the hell am I supposed to do now?!”

“Sleep here, baichi,” Feitan shrugs. He takes another bong rip and sticks his tongue out at the blonde. “My room has extra bed. But also, couch.”

Uvogin raises his eyebrows playfully as Phinks flushes bright red again. Nobu giggles. “Phinksy—“

“Don’t call me that!”

“Don’t you want—“

“Shut up!”

“Phinks, let him finish,” Chrollo yawns. He sits up and grins at the blonde. “And like Feitan said, you’re welcome to the extra bed in his room! So long as you don’t mind the sleep talking,” he giggles.

“Fuck you,” Feitan mumbles. He glares at the floor and curls his legs to his chest. “Phinks, take couch, then,” he mutters, “I—I talk in sleep.”

Phinks nods dizzily and then shakes his head. “I don’t really care where I sleep, um, yeah,” he chuckles nervously. He scratches at a bloody bruise on his arm and tries to give Feitan a smile. “Half the guys I live with sleep talk, too.” 

Feitan’s scowl softens slightly and he shrugs. “Ok!”

“Sounds like it’s settled, then,” Nobu chuckles as he tosses Phinks another beer. 

“Shut up, Nobu,” Phinks growls.

The muffled sound of the midnight bell rings overhead and they all glance up. Pakunoda groans. “I guess I should go,” she sighs. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Machi says softly. She follows the other girl up the stairs and dips through the storm door after her. They stand awkwardly in the alley, looking at each other. Machi smiles. “You really kissed Phinks?”

“I know,” Paku giggles nervously. She steps a bit closer and takes Machi’s hand. “Can you believe it? He’s hardly the person I would’ve chosen for a second kiss,” she whispers.

“Yeah,” Machi says shyly. She squeezes Paku’s hand and leans towards her. “Um, Paku—“

“Can I still kiss you? Sorry,” Paku interrupts. 

Machi bursts out laughing and flings her arms around Paku’s neck, hugging her tightly. “Oh my god, I thought you’d never ask,” she giggles. She grins and then closes her eyes, slowly pressing their lips together as Pakunoda giggles. Machi sighs blissfully. Their mouths break apart slowly.

“Yes,” Paku breathes.

“Yeah,” Machi whispers back. She gives her another quick kiss and squeals happily. “Sorry. Okay. Wow! Okay, you should go,” she laughs giddily.

Pakunoda blushes and kisses Machi’s forehead. “Tomorrow, then,” she murmurs. Their hands stay together for as long as they can and then she is gone, too far down the alley for Machi to touch. The pink-haired girl sighs and climbs back into the hideout. She sticks her tongue out at Phinks.

“Fuck you, by the way!”

Phinks chokes on his beer. “Huh? What did I do?”

“Tried to steal my girl,” Machi giggles. She flings herself onto the floor beside Chrollo and hugs him tightly as she whispers in his ear. He shrieks and hugs her back. 

“MACHI!”

“I don’t get it,” Phinks mutters into his beer. 

Feitan rolls his eyes. “They girlfriend now, baichi. No more kiss for you, no more pretty blonde babies!”

“Oh,” Phinks grunts. He frowns. “Fei, kissing isn’t how people make babies.”

“Oh. What?” Feitan squints drunkenly at him and cocks his head. “Wait, what is kiss, then? Is not, ah... hmm...” He trails off and then makes a circle with two fingers, crudely jabbing his slender index finger through the hole. “Hmm?”

“I, oh, aha, jeez, Fei,” Phinks sputters, “who fuckin’, Christ, who taught you  _ that? _ Umm, guys?” He looks around the room pleadingly but the others are all avoiding his gaze. He swallows hard. Feitan leans a bit closer. “Chrollo?”

“Nope, I’m going to bed,” the young boss giggles. He hops up and dashes down the hall, blowing Phinks a kiss over his shoulder. “Night!”

“Yup,” Machi snickers. She rushes after Chrollo and ducks into her room before Phinks can protest. He turns to Uvogin and Nobunaga, feeling desperate.

Feitan jabs Phinks in the side. “What?!”

“He’s asking  _ you, _ buddy, don’t drag us into this,” Nobu yawns. He extracts himself from Uvo’s arms and stretches dramatically. “Alright, I’m pretty tired, too,” he announces.

“Guys, c’mon,” Phinks pleads.

“Phinks,” Feitan snaps, “what is wrong? You very weird.” He crosses his arms with a small huff and stands up. “Share room or no? Is late, should sleep,” he says angrily.

“Ummm, sure, I’ll take a bed,” Phinks mumbles. He shoves his hands deep in his pockets and trails after Feitan down the long hallway, fumbling with the forgotten cigarette. He clears his throat as the smaller boy leads him into a dark room. “Fei, you got a light—I mean, can I smoke in here?”

Feitan shrugs and drifts over to the lumpy candles beside his cot. He strikes a match on the wall and carefully lights each wick, feeling strangely dizzy. His mind keeps returning to the way Machi said “boy kisser” while looking at him. He frowns and turns back to Phinks. “Hmm.” 

“Uhh, what?”

“Oh, yes—light,” Feitan giggles awkwardly. He steps closer to Phinks and holds up a match. “Smoke is fine. You have two?”

“Just the one,” Phinks breathes, “but—I can share it, I guess.”

Feitan nods and watches his friend light the cigarette, cocking his head slightly as the blonde inhales. “Phinks?”

“Yeah?”

“Why no tell me what is kiss?”

Phinks blushes furiously and sits on the edge of the spare cot, fixing his gaze on one of the creepy charcoal drawings tacked up above Feitan’s bed. He clears his throat. The drawing seems to show a man being torn apart by wolves. He shudders and takes another drag as Feitan steps closer. “Umm, sorry, guess I got distracted,” he mumbles nervously. 

“Hmm,” Feitan hums. He pokes the blonde’s face and folds his arms behind his back. “What happens if boys kiss?”

“I dunno,” Phinks whispers, “I guess it’s just like anybody else kissing, at least, the kissing part is, I think.”

Feitan nods thoughtfully. “So, tell me,” he chirps, “what is kiss, Phinks, if not the poking?”

“The—huh? Oh,” Phinks laughs as Feitan repeats the lewd gesture. “That’s, uh, sex, Fei, a kiss is just two people putting their mouths together,” he chuckles. He squeaks slightly as Feitan snatches the cigarette and takes a puff. “Um.”

“Hmm. Okay,” Feitan says slowly. He blows a small cloud of smoke at Phinks and smirks. “So you kiss Paku today?”

“Uh-huh,” Phinks nods anxiously. He can’t keep his legs still. He feels like he might throw up if Feitan keeps looking at him like this.

“And you like, because you not like boys, but Paku also not like boys, yes?”

“Yeah, exactly,” Phinks sighs, relieved that  _ someone _ seems to agree that he’s not gay. Feitan’s cold fingers press the cigarette back into his lips and he holds his breath. “I, uh, I don’t like boys,” he whispers vaguely.

“Interesting,” Feitan hums. “How you know?”

Phinks chokes on his cigarette and shrugs awkwardly. “Just—I mean, it’s—it’s not allowed, Fei,” he mumbles, “boys  _ don’t _ like boys, so, I like girls. Duh.” He shrugs again, trying not to look at his friend’s face. 

“But some boys do,” Feitan murmurs as he takes the cigarette again. He smirks as the blonde tenses. “Nobu, Uvo like boys,” he sing-songs, “Chrollo might, too, baichi, you better than them?”

“I, um,” Phinks gasps. He finally looks up at Feitan, swallowing hard when he meets the other boy’s teasing grin. “No? I just—um,” he whispers. 

Feitan offers him the cigarette. “So how you sure, Phinks, if never want girlfriend?”

“I never said I—“

“But you never think of it until today,” Feitan snickers.

Phinks gulps nervously and takes the cigarette from Feitan, wanting to scream as their fingers brush together. “Guess I didn’t,” he whispers.

“Phinks?”

“Yuh-huh?”

“Can you show me?” Feitan grins as Phinks’ head jerks up. He steps closer, giggling slightly as the edge of his red jacket brushes against the blonde’s bouncing knees.

Phinks clears his throat. “Show—show you what?”

“Hmm, kiss,” Feitan whispers playfully, “what kiss is, maybe? Not sure I understand yet.”

“Fei,” Phinks croaks nervously. His mouth is as dry as the desert above their heads and his blood feels just as hot. He swallows a few times, trying to process what his friend just said. “I—but we’re—we’re both boys, Fei,” he protests lamely.

Feitan shrugs. “And? Can be secret,” he snickers. “You think sky collapse if boys kiss? Uvo kiss Nobu every day,” he adds, giggling a bit harder.

“I—I’M NOT A FAG,” Phinks shouts suddenly. He shoves Feitan back and leaps up, trembling with anger. “And—and I’m not sharing a room with one, either,” he snarls as he darts past him.

Feitan dissolves into mean laughter on the floor, rolling around giddily as the taller boy storms down the hallway. He wheezes vaguely as he pushes to his feet. “Fun, fun, fun,” he giggles to himself, “silly Phinks, so silly!” He sways slightly and trips over his feet as he drifts down the hall after Phinks. “Baichi, wait,” he laughs loudly.

“FUCK OFF,” Phinks shouts over his shoulder. He flings himself down on the sagging couch and buries his face in the tattered cushions. “Fuck,” he whimpers, “fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Feitan tiptoes into the main room and stifles his laughter as he listens to Phinks grumbling. He crosses the room slowly and leans over the back of the couch. “Pssst. Phinks.”

Phinks jumps and flips around, holding a pillow across his chest. “Um. Go away,” he squeaks.

“Hmm. Why? Just say hello to friend,” Feitan snickers. He grins as the blonde’s nervous eyes dart everywhere but his face. “Sorry for make you  _ scared, _ Phinks,” he teases, “not realize you so  _ afraid _ of boy kissing.”

“I’m not—I’m not scared,” Phinks protests weakly.

“Shaking like little baby,” Feitan laughs.

“Shut up,” Phinks grumbles. He can feel how hot his face is and awkwardly touches his cheek, hoping he hasn’t gone too red. Feitan’s playful smile is making his stomach do flips. The elder’s voice looms at the back of his mind, barking out one of the many rants Phinks has heard about the anti-meteorite nature of faggotry, and the blonde shivers. “It’s just, um, it’s just gross, Fei,” he stammers, “b-boys, uh, kissing, it’s—it’s wrong, okay? Just cause our friends do it—“

“We do lots of wrong things, I think,” Feitan giggles.

“Um. I—well,” Phinks says lamely. He thinks back to Pakunoda teasing him about the stolen bread that morning and shakes his head angrily. “It’s just different,” he insists.

Feitan rolls his eyes and climbs over the back of the couch, perching on the blonde’s lap. He grins as Phinks goes completely stiff. “How?”

“Fei, if anyone ever finds out, they’ll—please don’t move like that,” Phinks squeaks. His friend raises an eyebrow and he snaps his eyes shut. “Um. Oh, god,” he groans.

“Phinks,” Feitan murmurs, “what if no one find out, though? Elders not know of spider, right?”

Phinks nods curtly, afraid to open his eyes. Feitan’s weight shifts slightly on his lap and he clenches his fists. “Fei, why are you sitting on me? Please,” he whispers.

“Hmm?”

“You’re kinda—um,” Phinks mumbles. He shakes his head vaguely and cracks his good eye open. “Never mind. Why are you acting like you don’t know what a kiss is if you’ve seen Uvo and Nobu do it?”

Feitan smirks. “Did not know word, baichi.” 

“Umm... Feitan?”

“Yes?”

“Are... are you a fag, then?” Phinks sits up slightly and blinks his eyes open, trying to remember how to breathe as his friend’s hands drum absentmindedly on his stomach. His thighs twitch. He swallows hard. “F-Fei—“

Feitan giggles and leans a bit lower. “Who knows? How to know if never have kiss, Phinks? Maybe I ask Paku, too, see if I like girl or boy,” he snickers. 

“Um. Well, you should—you should do that, then,” Phinks stammers nervously, “cause kissing girls is, uh, very cool, and awesome, and I’m—I enjoyed it, a lot, and—“

“Hmm, you did?”

“Yes,” Phinks snaps. His whole body feels like it’s on fire. He shoves the pillow out of his arms and flops back to the couch, crossing his arms angrily over his chest. “Of course I did, asshole, cause I’m not a nasty fuckin’ fag, and—and you better not be, either, you should try—try kissing a girl, or something—“

“Phinks,” Feitan interrupts quietly.

Phinks hugs himself tighter. “Yeah?”

“Why not?”

“I keep  _ telling _ you, Fei, it’s not allowed,” Phinks says with an exasperated groan. He props himself up on his elbows and jabs his friend in the chest. “So stop trying to be gross, alright? Just—just get off me, man,” he whines.

Feitan smirks and rocks his hips slightly. Phinks squeezes his eyes shut again. Feitan bursts out laughing and leans back, bracing his arms on the blonde’s legs. “Why? Is a problem, Phinks?”

“Definitely a problem,” Phinks squeaks.

“Hmm, I no see problem,” Feitan teases. He grinds his hips in a slow circle, intrigued by the beads of sweat on his friend’s forehead. He leans forwards again and giggles as he notices a firm lump between Phinks’ legs. “Kiss is nice?”

“Mmhmm,” Phinks nods nervously.

“Nobody is nice to Feitan,” the transmuter whispers. He frowns as he says it, realizing he’s a bit more intoxicated than he thought. “Um. Is joke,” he adds awkwardly.

Phinks opens his eyes again and frowns up at Feitan. “Are—um—what?”

“Nothing,” Feitan mumbles.

“Fei?”

“Yes?”

“I—I’m sorry for shoving you earlier,” Phinks whispers.

Feitan tenses and jerks back. “Feh. No matter.”

“Nah, it, uh, it was a little rough,” Phinks mumbles bashfully, “you just—kinda scared me.”

“Oh, so Phinks  _ is _ scared,” Feitan giggles. He rolls his hips again and raises his eyebrows. Phinks emits a high-pitched grunt. Feitan carefully places his palms flat on the blonde’s chest, cocking his head at the feeling of his heartbeat. “Very scared,” he titters, “heart go crazy!”

Phinks swallows awkwardly and stares pointedly at the ceiling. “Old man Ackerly says the fags are always tryna make more fags,” he whispers.

“What that mean?”

“Means get off, Fei, stop trying to get us cursed!”

Feitan frowns. “Curse?”

“Yes,” Phinks groans. He covers his face with both hands as the smaller boy hums thoughtfully, all too aware of the sound vibrating through his legs. “I—I kissed a girl, though,” he whines to himself, “so it—it should mean—“

“Mean what, baichi?”

Phinks whimpers slightly as Feitan’s hands slide up his bruised chest. “That I, I can’t be a fag now,” he whispers, “cause of how I like Paku, cause I kissed her.”

“Kiss makes people in love?”

“Well, not exactly,” Phinks mumbles. He drags his hands down his face and grabs Feitan’s wrists before the transmuter can keep caressing his aching muscles. “But—I guess it helps, maybe?”

Feitan cocks his head, confused. “But she not like you, she like Machi,” he says helpfully.

“Yeah, that kinda threw a wrench in the plan,” Phinks sighs.

“Phinks?”

“Yeah?”

“You ever been caught stealing?”

Phinks shrugs. “Just when I was really little. Otherwise, I’m too fast.”

Feitan nods. “What happen?”

“Huh? Ummm,” Phinks mumbles. He releases Feitan’s wrists and tries to think. He shrugs again. “Pretty sure they just beat me or whatever. Might’ve been the time I had to sleep outside for a week, I guess.”

“But you still steal,” Feitan whispers.

“Well, I gotta,” Phinks chuckles. He squints up at his friend in the dim light and frowns. “What’s your point?”

“If you kiss boy once, find you hate, what you do?”

“Not gonna happen,” Phinks snaps.

Feitan rolls his eyes. “Say it happen. You kiss boy, old man you know catches you. What then?”

Phinks swallows hard. “It’ll be a  _ lot _ worse than sleeping outside, Fei,” he whispers fearfully, “and there’s no coming back from it.”

“Hmm?”

“They’d—well—look, just—ugh,” Phinks groans. He sits up and shoves Feitan off his lap, curling his long limbs awkwardly on the couch. He sighs. Feitan just looks at him. Phinks shrugs and tries to find the words, unsure if his friend will understand the extent of the threat. “Around the time I got caught stealing, they caught two fags touching each other or whatever in the locker rooms,” he says slowly. He glances over at Feitan again and runs a hand through his hair. “So, they—ugh—they, um, made one of ‘em shove a broomstick up th-the other guy’s ass until it w-was bleeding,” Phinks mumbles, “and then had that guy get the same from the elder.”

Feitan snorts. “Gross. Not best way to torture a butt, stupids. Continue,” he sighs.

Phinks shoots him a horrified look and rubs his eyes. “Oookay, um, good to know,” he says nervously. 

“What? I know all best torture,” Feitan brags.

“Got it,” Phinks grunts. He rests his chin on his hands and stares at the floor again. “Then some of the older guys got to pick how—what—what they wanted to see,” he whispers, “and, uh, the kennel master won the draw.”

“Kennel?”

“The dogs, Fei,” Phinks snaps, “they fed them to the dogs, alright? We all had to watch and shit and it was fuckin’ gross and really goddamn freaky and, and one of ‘em almost got out—“ His voice breaks and he smacks himself across the face. Feitan jumps. Phinks growls angrily and keeps talking. “But Elder Ackerly had one of those, those shock guns, so he got ‘im, and then the dogs caught him again,” he says gruffly. He glares at his friend with a small huff. “So, yeah. It’s not a fuckin’ joke, Fei, and if Uvo and Nobu really  _ are _ fags they better keep that shit to themselves,” he snarls.

Feitan blinks slowly and then shakes his head. “Oh,” he says softly, “I not know these things.”

“Yeah, cause you’re basically a fuckin’ dog yourself,” Phinks spits.

Feitan rears back and scowls at him. “What?”

“You—they just fuckin’ found you, right? Nobody even bothered putting you in the pits or the mines,” Phinks says meanly, “they probably didn’t know you were human, huh?”

“Phinks,” Feitan growls, “why say this?”

“Cause it’s true, Fei, I bet kissing you wouldn’t even turn me into a fag,” Phinks sneers. “I’d just fall in love with a stray dog!”

Feitan clenches his fists and jerks away from the blonde, scrambling over the couch towards his bedroom. “Fuck you, then,” he snaps, “stupid fag boy, scared of everything, stupid!”

“Good! I’m GLAD you’re taking your faggy germs away from me,” Phinks shouts after him. He buries his face in the back of the couch as Feitan’s door slams and groans loudly. “Why did I say that? Fuck,” he whines, “fuck, I didn’t have to be  _ mean _ to him.” He peeks over the couch again and then bangs his head against it. “Fuck! I kinda thought we were friends,” he whispers.

Feitan smashes his palm roughly on the candles to snuff them out and then flings himself into his bed, wrapping his blankets around his head as tightly as he can. He feels sick. Of all the people he knows—which isn’t a very high number—he thought that he was closest to being friends with Phinks. His nails dig into his scalding palms and he hugs his knees tighter. Why didn’t anyone ever mention that boys weren’t supposed to kiss each other? After spending so much time around Uvogin and Nobunaga, he’d just assumed that was normal. The other members of the spider are his only reference for how people interact outside of torture. Feitan buries his face in his thin pillow and tries to stop thinking. Heavy footsteps stumble down the hall and stop outside his door. He flinches as a hand knocks nervously. 

“Fei, I—I didn’t mean that,” Phinks calls through the door. He sighs loudly after waiting for a response and smacks his forehead into the splintered wood. “Feitan, I’m really sorry,” he says sadly, “I just got kinda worked up, and I don’t like talking about that stuff, and—and I’ve had a pretty weird day, to be honest, and—“

“Go away,” Feitan shouts from under his blankets.

Phinks pounds his head against the door again and groans. “Fei, the couch is really uncomfortable,” he whines.

“Too bad!”

“I’m really, really sorry,” Phinks tries.

“Shut up!”

Phinks groans and shoves the door open. The lump in Feitan’s cot jumps and he stumbles towards it, dropping to his knees next to the bed. He can just make out a few stray locks of black hair poking out from the blankets. “Fei,” Phinks says quietly, “I just—“

“I am person, too,” Feitan snaps. His voice is muffled by the blankets but Phinks can hear the pain in it, a slight twinge in the way he says “person” that makes the blonde want to cry. Phinks can’t imagine Feitan feeling sad. He shakes his head dumbly.

“I know that, man,” he sighs. He pokes Feitan’s nest and jerks back as the other boy growls. “Sorry. I’m sorry,” he stammers, “Fei, please, um, please just—“

“Shut up,” Feitan mutters. He tugs the blankets tighter and squeezes his eyes shut. “Just go, Phinks, go be asshole on couch.”

Phinks swallows nervously and glances up at the drawings behind Feitan’s bed. They all look like nightmares: thin, screaming faces emerging from dark flames, or the twisted guts of torn bodies spread across the page, or the one he’d been looking at earlier, with the dogs tearing at a man’s flesh. He takes a deep breath. “Do you actually wanna kiss me, or were you just trying to freak me out?”

“Hmmph. Stupid question.”

“Oh. Um. Well, I’m not sure what that means,” Phinks mumbles, “but—but I’m sorry for being such a pussy. I guess nothing  _ would _ happen if we kissed down here. Not like there’s anyone to see.”

Feitan grunts quietly and opens his eyes again. He stays under the blankets, though, not sure where his friend is going with this.

“And... I should know better than to believe the stuff Ackerly tells me,” Phinks whispers. He scratches the back of his head and leans a bit closer. “It’s just... yeah, I’m scared, alright? Fuck! There’s—I like getting to hug Chrollo, and I think Uvo’s the coolest guy in the world, and—and I feel, like, happy when I’m with you guys, and I  _ know, _ dammit, I fucking  _ know _ what it means that I’ve never thought about girls like that, and—“ His voice breaks again and he shakes his head, sniffling awkwardly. “Fuck! God, I’m such a pussy!”

Feitan pokes his head out from the blankets and blinks slowly, scooting closer to the edge of his cot as he looks at Phinks. The blonde makes a choked sound and buries his face in his hands. Feitan frowns. “Confused,” he whispers, “what you are saying, Phinks?”

“I’m—fuck—just—fuck,” Phinks sobs. He rubs his teary eyes aggressively and looks up, his mouth trembling as he meets Feitan’s confused gaze. Another small whimper escapes his throat. “I’m supposed to be strong,” he whines pathetically.

“But you are strong,” Feitan says slowly. He shakes his head in confusion. “Very strong, I thought, and kill very big man today, yes?”

Phinks nods, sniffling back another sob.

“So... how Phinks is not strong? Because friends with Uvo?” 

“N-No, I—um,” Phinks mumbles. He wipes his nose and shrugs awkwardly. 

Feitan smiles at him. “Because cry like little baby in front of Feitan?”

“Shut up,” Phinks grunts.

“You kiss girl and kill man today, baichi, seems like good strong day to me,” Feitan whispers. 

“Why do you always call me that?”

“Hmm?”

“Baichi,” Phinks says softly. The word sounds funny in his voice. He manages a weak smile as a hint of blush crawls across Feitan’s face. “What?”

“Is just word for idiot,” Feitan giggles nervously.

“Oh,” Phinks laughs. A thought dawns on him and he blinks rapidly. “But... you only say it to... me,” he says slowly.

Feitan shrugs and nods shyly. Phinks blinks at him again, uncurling his legs to sit up closer to the bed. Feitan bites the inside of his cheek anxiously. “Well, you very stupid,” he mumbles.

“Yeah, I guess I am,” Phinks whispers.

“Phinks?”

“Yeah?”

“You are still scared?”

Phinks blushes and shrugs awkwardly. “Kinda, but it’s hard to explain why,” he mumbles.

“Hmm,” Feitan responds. He pulls the blankets away from his face and pokes Phinks’ red cheek. “You say you know something, something which make you fear you not strong,” he murmurs, “I understand correct?”

“Um. I guess I did say that, yeah,” Phinks whispers nervously.

Feitan nods slowly. “What, then?”

“Can you do me a quick favor, and then I’ll tell you?”

“Oh! Okay,” Feitan chirps. He sits up and cocks his head at his friend. “What?”

“Just—close your eyes for a second,” Phinks stammers. He takes a deep breath as his friend’s glowing eyes disappear behind his thin eyelids and leans forwards, wondering if he can really go through with this. Feitan smells like smoke and the dank earth packed up around their underground hideout. His mouth is much smaller than Paku’s, and his skin is paler, and Phinks is noticing himself noticing these things with increasing panic. His heart is racing. He leans a hand on the bed and kisses Feitan shyly, much more gently than his first attempt with Paku. The transmuter’s eyes fly open with a shocked squeak and Phinks jumps back. “I SAID CLOSE YOUR EYES!”

“You—“

“Fuck,” Phinks groans. He scrambles back across the room and winces as one of his bruises rams into the other bed. “Fuck!”

Feitan touches his mouth and then it hits him and a slow smile spreads across his face, morphing into a delighted laugh as he processes what just happened. “Phinks?!”

“Don’t—I—forget it,” Phinks barks.

“Baichi,” Feitan giggles, “you kiss me!”

“No I didn’t!”

“What?! Is—I thought that is kiss,” Feitan exclaims. He crawls across the floor after Phinks and crosses his arms angrily. “Kiss is mouths touching, you said!”

Phinks swallows nervously. “Um. Yes, I did say that,” he squeaks.

“Then you kiss me,” Feitan laughs.

“Kinda,” Phinks mumbles.

Feitan throws his arms in the air with an exasperated sigh and sits back on his ankles. “What is kinda kiss? Is there different kiss? What is happening, Phinks, you make me feel very stupid,” he snaps. 

“Oh, sorry,” Phinks whispers. He clears his throat and looks up at the ceiling. “I—yes, there’s different kinds of kissing, but I also just kissed you, alright? Let’s—let’s drop it,” he stammers.

“Hmmph. You weird,” Feitan grumbles. He grins again as a thought occurs to him. “So, Paku or Feitan? Who you like more?”

“Um, gosh,” Phinks giggles nervously. He scratches the back of his head and sits up a bit. “Wait, you’re not mad I kissed you?”

Feitan gives him a strange look. “You very, very stupid, Phinks,” he says slowly. 

“Well... I only kissed you once, and I kissed Paku three times,” Phinks whispers excitedly, “so I guess I can’t say until I’ve kissed you again, huh?”

“Mmm, good point,” Feitan snickers. He squeaks as Phinks jerks forwards and slams into him again, dissolving into confused laughter as the blonde’s forehead crashes into his own. “Phinks!”

“Ow, fuck, I missed,” Phinks whines.

Feitan giggles and grabs his head. “I try now,” he announces giddily. He leans forward slowly and tilts his head, pulling Phinks towards him as their lips meet. He slips his fingers through his friend’s hair and tries to keep from smiling too widely as their mouths melt together, dizzy with glee at the feeling of the blonde’s lips pressing against his own. He breaks away reluctantly and grins. “Is that two, or three?”

“Umm, I think that only counts as two,” Phinks whispers. He wraps an arm around Feitan’s thin waist and tugs him into another kiss, moaning ever so slightly as their lips part and sink into place. His body has that strange sensation of catching fire again. At the back of his mind, Phinks realizes that he didn’t feel that feeling when he tried kissing Pakunoda. He jerks his head back and wipes his mouth aggressively. “Wait, Fei—“

“Kiss is nice,” Feitan giggles.

“Fuck,” Phinks gasps as his friend leans in again. He jumps away from Feitan and scrambles across the floor. “Feitan—“

“Oh,” Feitan says quietly, “I see.”

“It’s—we can’t,” Phinks stammers. 

Feitan shrugs. “Says you, or says old man?”

“Ummmm... says... me,” Phinks says slowly. He winces as Feitan’s face hardens. “Fei—“

“Okay then,” Feitan snaps. He clambers into his cot and rolls to face the wall. “Goodnight.”

Phinks bangs his head against the table with a loud groan. “Fei, just let me—“

“So tired, ah, must sleep,” Feitan says loudly.

“Feitan, please—“

“Mmm, now I am sleep,” Feitan sneers, “talk in sleep, remember? Ah, so sleep. Hate stupid boy. Sleep, sleep, sleep!”

Phinks groans and crawls over to Feitan’s cot. He shakes his friend aggressively. “You’re not asleep, asshole, so just—god, fuck,” he moans, “Goddammit, Fei, I really liked kissing you, alright?!”

Feitan smirks and rolls over. “Oh?”

“There! God! I said it,” Phinks snaps. He sits back with a huff and glares at the wall. “But it’s still wrong,” he mutters. 

Feitan rolls his eyes. He sits up and slides over the edge of the bed, pulling his blankets down with him as he crawls into Phinks’ lap. The blonde tries to scramble back but Feitan grabs a fistful of his hair and yanks his head up, kissing him deeply. Phinks moans involuntarily. Feitan giggles into his mouth and slowly presses his tongue out, unsure where the instinct came from but determined to follow it, and sighs happily as Phinks’ big hands tentatively land on his hips. He pulls back slowly and smirks. “Baichi.”

“Well—“

“You like kissing boys,” Feitan teases.

“It’s not funny,” Phinks hisses.

Feitan snickers and pecks his nose. “Little bit funny, baichi, only because nobody feeds spiders to dogs on my watch,” he murmurs. He drapes his arms around the blonde’s neck and raises his eyebrows. “Look like you live in hideout now,” he titters happily.

“Oh, huh,” Phinks grunts. He slowly wraps his arms around Feitan’s waist and pulls him a bit closer. A nervous smile forms at his lips. “I... I guess I  _ could _ just live with you guys, huh?”

“No stupid rules about kissing for spiders,” Feitan whispers. 

“And... and if I just never go back, they’ll never know,” Phinks says, sounding a bit shocked by his own words.

Feitan nods impatiently. “Yes, baichi, that is the point,” he sighs.

“Oh, shit,” Phinks whispers. He presses his forehead against Feitan’s and grins. “So can I keep kissing you, then?”

“Hmm, maybe,” Feitan teases as he leans in, “if you  _ must, _ silly boy.”

Phinks chuckles and kisses Feitan forcefully, clutching both sides of his head as the transmuter laughs into his mouth. “Oh, man, Fei,” he gasps between kisses, “I—oh, man, this is awesome!”

“You so weird,” Feitan giggles happily.

“I think I kinda wanted to kiss you this whole time,” Phinks mumbles excitedly, “but, y’know—“

“Shut up, Phinks,” Feitan sighs. 

“Right,” Phinks laughs. He pulls Feitan closer and sinks into his mouth again, thoughts buzzing with giddy delight as his mind slowly processes his new reality. There’s a  _ boy _ in his lap, he thinks vaguely, a boy  _ kissing _ him, and  _ he’s _ kissing the boy, too, and they can  _ keep _ kissing for as long as they damn well please without worrying about getting caught. His grin wobbles and he buries his face in Feitan’s shoulder. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” he whimpers quietly.

Feitan frowns and hugs his neck. “Something wrong?”

“No, no, I just—um,” Phinks says thickly. He sighs and presses his lips to Feitan’s neck. “Sorry,” he mumbles again.

“Phinks,” Feitan says softly, “you very tired, I think, from long day, maybe?”

Phinks nods against Feitan’s shoulder and squeezes him closer. “Sorry, I’m being a baby again,” he whispers.

Feitan rolls his eyes. He traces a gentle circle through the blonde’s thick hair and smiles. “You know what is nice, apart from kiss?”

“Hmm?”

“No more wondering if Phinks die in pit today,” Feitan murmurs. He smiles shyly as Phinks raises his head. “Not much scare me, you know? But... some things, I can feel afraid,” he whispers.

Phinks sniffles and crushes Feitan close to his chest before breaking into another sob. “Fei,” he whines, “Fei, what the hell, man, you’re making me cry!”

“Big idiot,” Feitan giggles sleepily.

“I’m gonna kiss you every day forever,” Phinks mumbles tearfully, “I don’t care if I’m the biggest fag in the world, and if it really does make our dicks fall off, I’m gonna keep doing it!” He plants a snotty kiss on his friend’s neck and then jerks back to look at him again. “I mean, if that’s okay with you,” he says nervously.

“Dicks fall off? You so stupid,” Feitan laughs. He leans in and kisses Phinks slowly, tenderly cupping his battered face in both hands. He giggles as he pulls back. “And Uvo definitely bigger fag, baichi, so much taller!”

Phinks snorts. “Aw, shut up.”

“I  _ am _ want sleep, though,” Feitan whispers.

“Oh, yeah, it’s pretty late,” Phinks yawns. He blushes as Feitan thoughtfully inspects his face. “What?”

“I like Phinks face,” Feitan declares suddenly. He giggles as the blonde’s expression ricochets between shock and excitement and overwhelmed tears and gives him a quick kiss. “Even when all beat up!”

“Stop trying to make me cry, asshole,” Phinks mumbles bashfully. He leans back and watches as Feitan stands, following the casual movements of his body returning to the cot. He grins. “Huh. Huh!”

Feitan squints at him over the covers. “What?”

“I like  _ your _ face,” Phinks says proudly, “and I like your legs, Fei. You have pretty legs!”

Feitan snorts and ducks under his blankets. “Shut up,” he giggles.

Phinks laughs and climbs into the other cot, still grinning at Feitan across his pillow. “I’m serious! Tomorrow, can I—um, never mind,” he laughs bashfully. He buries his grin in the pillow and hugs it tightly. “Heh.”

“You so strange,” Feitan yawns, “but tomorrow, yes, touch my leg if you want, baichi.” He lets out an amused snort and snuggles deeper into his cot. “Mm. Kiss kiss,” he mumbles. 

“Right back atcha,” Phinks chuckles giddily. He forces his heavy eyelids to stay open as he watches Feitan’s body relax against the pillow, suddenly compelled by the need to know what he looks like when he’s sleeping. His mind is still racing through disbelief and horror and lust and glee and every other emotion all at once. He rolls onto his back and grins up at the ceiling. “Gotta get Paku some more bread,” he yawns as he drifts off, “or whatever dykes like to eat.”


End file.
